Aerocontractors, what are they contracting?

AEROCONTRACTORS

It’s always good to do something and do it well. Also, it is good to do what fate and destiny has predesigned you to do.

Aerocontractors was obviously not destined to doing the airline business. From their operation, their fleet of airplanes, the flying services and all…..they are more destined to be into the kabu-kabu business…or the second hand undergarments sales business.

Their abysmal services were further made gigantically glowing by the fact that I just boarded the Aerocontractors flight as a connecting flight. I was previously on board an Emirate flight. The Almighty Emirates. They never disappoint you.

Back to Aerocontractors.

The flight came in one hour late, no apologies.
The plane sounded like its engine was occasionally used to blend pepper and sew clothes. The plane was definitely not new. Definitely. It looked like it was assembled in a phone repair shop. The entry door showed signs of recent gaudy repainting. And from the look of the paint job, it wasn’t sprayed; it was painted by a house painter, with hand.

The entry floor too strongly indicated that either 6 billion people with two legs each had passed through those doors or 3 billion animals with 4 legs each. It had obviously accommodated like 12billion feet within the last one year. The plane was obviously old. I’m pretty certain the plane is older than my mum’s grandmum. The seats were tattered .Even the crew looked fatigued like they had been pushing the plane .I’m almost certain the plane didn’t start earlier on because the plane had kickstarter problem….and the crew had to push the plane. Thank God the plane was using manual gear not automatic, jumpstarting would have been impossible.

I was ushered in by this old airhostess that obviously was in her early fifties .The makeup she applied actually worked and made her look like she was in her late forties instead. The ease with which she moved around indicated that she had obviously been working as an air hostess for a while, she probably was one of the people that welcomed JFKennedy into Nigeria in 1952. Whatever happened to the traditional habit of using pretty fertile,virile, young women as airhostesses?….most airlines automatically disqualify an airhostess if it looks like she marched on the independence day of Nigeria in 1960. This Air hostess was probably a teacher during the independence celebration in 1960.

There was another male air host .He was dark, tall and wore tight fitting white shirt that showed very angry biceps and all. He looked like an unrepentant rapist.

As I was walking to my Economy seat, I noticed that the Business Class seats were empty and the formerly leather chairs looked like someone once considered turning them to suya. They look scorched and cracked. There were ‘stretch marks’ looking lightning strike marks all over the business class chairs as if ‘THOR’ or ‘Shango’ had used the seats for target practice.

As I sat down on my seat,I noticed that the red cross bar on the ‘no smoking sign’ was faded giving the impression that the ‘no smoking’ sign was a ‘smoking allowed’ sign. The seats all over the economy class looked like they had been used by Moses in moving the Israelites.The looked old and used.

The seat I sat on even had the permanent butt-cheek marks on them. The side light by the window too looked dull like an eye with Cataract .Obviously, the plastic casing was weak. At least the airline should have taken those plastics to the Igbo boys at Ladipo. It cost N320 each.

After what seemed like forever,with people coming in and all. I started smellin something foul. I initially thought the nice lady with her kid beside me had farted or something. This was until I heard people from way way way back saying hmmmm,hmmm. Apparently the smell was from the airconditioning. This reminds me of a university friend of mine who ,while we were in the university, once said that he had discovered some people that claimed that they could help him fill his car airconditioner gas for N500. At that time, I was filling my own AC gas for N2,500. He later went to fill his own AC.I didn’t see the guy nor his car for the next one month.I later heard from another friend that anytime he switched on his AC ,there was a foul foul foul smell for the first 10 minutes because the ingenious N500 guys used a mixture of cooking gas and something else sha.
Aerocontractors probably used the N 500 guys too.

The Captain, Captain Omiaghor announced that we were taking off. The plane finally started taxing.

As it was taxing, being a night flight, I noticed that the sign on one of the engines on the right wing which was visible from my window seat that obvious was a safety warning supposedly reading ‘CAUTION…..DO NOT STAY NEAR’ had faded too. It now read ‘UTION….DO NOT STAY NEAR’. I instantly figured that Aerocontractors paid for the aircraft installmentally, hence they hadn’t fully purchased all the safety warnings supposed to be on the plane.

After 10 minutes, I checked the pocket of the front seat to get something to read .I saw a ‘menu list’…with prices. The woman beside me, seeing my surprised face started laughing. Apparently, Aerocontractors now sells food on their flights. If I had boarded an airline called ‘ Mr Biggs Helicopters’ , I would not have minded if they sold food on an international flight. There was meatpie, chicken pie, sandwich and sausages for sale There were also drinks for sale.Coke,fanta,beers,malt drinks and all.
I think this is a despicable cheap-ass cheap-skate stunt.Why not bill the passengers an additional N 1000 to cater for the food?

I just couldn’t help but ask the woman beside me if the air waiters (air hosts don’t sell food) would shout ‘buy meat pie…ice water tutu re’ while hawking the food around. She was still laughing when the male air waiter finally brought his ‘selling counter’ towards us. I asked him why an international airline sold food on an international flight. I also informed me that I just got down from another international flight and they didn’t sell food. He instantly told me that they sold food because they were not as ‘big’ as Emirates and so they were ‘managing things’. I didn’t bother asking the guy more questions as he started smiling like a rapist again.
The woman beside asked the rapist air waiter for a meatpie and he said all food had ‘finished’. Yeah,it was a one hour international flight between Accra and Nigeria but why would food finish? The rapist further explained that there was no food because other people that boarded the flight earlier on had finished all the food. I asked the rapist if the plane was also flying the Somalia route,that’s the only country that I know could have soo many citizens that would eat all the food on board a plane. The rapist smiled again,like he was calculating my anal size. I stopped smiling. I then asked him what he had in his counter since everything was finished.He said he had just water. Once again, I asked him if the plane was also expecting to pick passengers from Sahara desert..or why does an international flight have only water on board. Na wa o. The guy started smiling again. I stopped smiling and said ‘thank you,you may leave now’.
Apparently, the woman and the kid beside me were from Somalia. The kid started crying as soon as he heard there was no food on board ,only water. I looked at the woman and the kid with compassion in my eyes and I did the right thing to do. I brought out my sling bag from under the chair, dipped my hands in my bag and brought out my earphones.I connected them to my phone,shut my eyes and listened to Ebenezer Obey….bi won se rin siwaju die..won pade adamo…eda omo araye….!
It was funny looking at the small kid distort his face, wasn’t sure if he was crying or he was speaking zulu. Afte the second verse of the Obey song, the kid’s eyes started producing water too. I figured the zulu language contained some vowels that were peppery to the eyes,hence the watery eyes by the boy.

The mother too started speaking zulu to the rapist waiter. He just smiled back. I then closed my eyes and thought about the color of shirt to wear the next day.
Woke up when I felt a bump. I guess the plane had landed. The landing was pretty smooth . The plane taxied…and taxied….and taxied…..and taxied. After what seemed like 15 mintues,I started suspecting that the pilot was just driving around to confirm if he had landed us in lagos airport or enugu airport. Or maybe he was looking for parking space.Or maybe he was looking for a perfect place to park on a slope,so that it would make it easier to jumpstart the plane the next morning.

Finally, the plane stopped.

We all got down and then I did a mental waka to the Aerocontractors and their services. And i just keep wondering, Aerocontractors, what are they contracting?

Absolutely Not..

Absolutely Not!

Firstly, let it be clear, I am a Lagboy. A University of Lagos Akoka Engineering graduate.

Every Unilag Student, Lecturer and Alumni knows that University of Lagos is not just a location of learning. The University of Lagos is the epicenter of a culture, an identity and possibly a tribe. I joined the tribe as a young boy with a blank but spongy mind. I left there with permanently instilled finesse, panache, knowledge, and respect for knowledge, admiration for wisdom and tolerance for progressive change.

Anyone who has never been a part of the Unilag tribe would never understand the culture. It’s like trying to explain to aliens why human beings have to drink water and then pee it out and drink water again. People go on and tell you that Obafemi Awolowo University used to be University of Ife. So bloody what…? They didn’t mind. Their culture didn’t forbid it. We Unilag people, we mind. Our culture forbids it. So, we resist this change.

All due respect to MKO Abiola, he’s done admirable things for democracy. Personally, I’m sorry that we are resisting this barbaric change from a black guy in a black hat and it involves MKO. Still, it is our own duty to keep the culture, the identity, the Swagger and the ethnicity bestowed upon us by the people before us through the University of Lagos.

I’m not a fan of comparing civilizations or countries because of distinctive peculiarities. However, I’m constrained to because some other civilizations have democratic cultures worth emulating.

Would the United States ever consider changing the Statue of Liberty to ‘Statue of Washington’?…or ‘Statue of Martin Luther King’? NO. Why? Because the Statue of Liberty is symbolic, it has a history.

Would the United Kingdom ever consider changing the Manchester Business School to Margaret Thatcher Business School?.. NO. Why? Because the University is symbolic, it has a history.

Would France ever consider changing the Eiffel Tower to ‘Dominique tower’? No. Why? Because it is symbolic, it has a history. It’s part of the French Identity. It’s part of their culture.

The idea of naming places after people who have done great thing is quite cute and welcome. However, not at the expense of losing something else, something equally monumental. If you really want to immortalize MKO, do something else. Do something noble. Do something new. Do something distinctly symbolic. The government can always invest heavily in Abiola Babes football club or Put his face on a new naira bill or build a new road and name it after him or build a new school and name it after him. Just do something uncontroversial.

This current government really epitomizes the dearth of initiative, creativity and sincere depth. Really, this action shows us that the people meant to be leading us are not intellectually in front. This wouldn’t have been a problem is we were interested in been led backwards. It’s obvious that there’s no strategic thinking, reasoning depth and consequential thinking from the people meant to lead us. I personally would not blame President Goodluck Jonathan alone. Even if he just decided to be insensitive in this instance or he chose to be consistent by being insensitive, isn’t there anybody whose IQ is more than his shoe size who can advise him appropriately before he made the speech? And to think that Dr Reuben Abati read through the president’s speech before he made it makes me think that maybe being a Dr is nothing phenomenal, it’s just like being a plumber or a panel beater.

The cute thought of Abiola shouldn’t be done at the expense of disenfranchising a whole culture. I’m pretty sure that MKO himself, in his grave would say ‘Were ma l’awon eleyi ke?’ And I always remember that MKO had one very notable saying- ‘You cannot shave my head in my absence!’. Who did the government consult before changing the name? I am a stakeholder and I definitely wasn’t consulted. I am pretty certain that other stakeholders too were not consulted. We the stakeholders are not unapproachable, incommunicado or unreasonable. Let the government first ask us if we won’t mind changing the name of our mind-expanding cultural epicenter from University of Lagos to Moshood Abiola University….. Then we can quote a world famous philosopher, Ms Deborah Cox, who said, and I quote ‘ABSOLUTELY NOT!’.

Nagging

Personally, im not not a sexist. n I luv women. That said.

Let’s talk about nagging. Nagging can simply be described as the frustrating and annoying habit by women of repeating things to men,the same things.They incorporate so many other devious means to this art.

Dont know the history of nagging,how far it goes down.However,from consistent trends i can see across generations,it’s obvious that even Eve probably nagged Adam. Back to nagging.

Women start nagging as soon as they can breathe.The have this very controlling habit.And they assume that they have the universal title to thinking.They insist u go to the stream,they insist u drink water at the stream,they insist on the volume of water u should drink,then they tell u to lie down in a particular way to make sure the water goes to a particular part of ur body. and when u r enjoying how u are lying down,they tell u to stand up and go and pee in the stream water and then they start the cycle again…drink at the stream..

History shows that nagging has been practiced by women since the beginning of time. The first recorded naggist, was Eve. Yup, she nagged Adam till the guy ate the apple. You know the rest of the story.If eve had not nagged Adam, if she hadn’t nagged d guy,we would all have been roaming around a fruitful garden butt naked now. No global warming,no racism,no IBB for election,no nuclear wars,no abortions no contraceptives,free sex,long life.

Women nag by repeating the same things over and over and over and over.And the more they repeat it,the more they add jara to the items repeated. Jara includes history lessons, things you did badly once, either connected or not. Then, they start adding future offences you’ll commit. For example, If u are meant to fix the kitchen door and u don’t. The woman wld keep repeating it,even though she knows your are not in town,but still ,she’ll keep nagging you over the phone. And after sometime,she’ll start reminding you that you still haven’t fixed the door to the last house u stayed…that you didn’t eventually cut the nails of the late dog till it died(even though it died of rabies)….and that you didn’t flush the toilet after you peed on Christmas day and other offences.

Personally, i think women nag for the following reasons.

Eye defects-Longsightedness. – Women do not seem to notice the flappy things attached to all male human heads called ears.They believe men are deaf.
For emphasis and priority. – They believe the more they repeat things, the more we take it seriously.
Boredom. – They are bored,they think singing nursery rhymes is outdated,so they rather repeat instructions.
Innate feminine wiring configuration defect.- If humans were computers, then women would be computers with Pentium 2, 64KB RAM,and 500GB. Hence,they r slow to decipher the real happenenings(becos of Pentium 2), they hang(freeze) and repeat thing(becos of 64KB), and they remember a lot of past details(becos of the 500GB harddisk). And obviously men are like computer with Intel Core Duo, 4GB RAM and 40GB.Hence, we decipher real happenings fast(becos of the Intel Core duo), we do not repeat details (unless to remind the girlfriend to stay away from certain guys)(becos of the 4GB RAM) and we do not waste our time remembering little things(cos of Little 40GB space).

Women naturally assume that the consequences of nagging is results from the man.This is far far from the truth.

Most time a woman nags and a guy indulges, it is just because the guy believes that if he doesn’t pity the woman and help her by indulging her, she might get dehydrated and die..since she loses a lot of saliva while talking.

Most of the time a woman nags a guy and he still doesn’t ‘remember’,it is simply becos he doesn’t wanna do the thing,simple.

Anyways, in the spirit of starting a new year,Ill give women tips on how to stop the silly habit of nagging.

Buy a notepad.Simply use this notepad to document all the things you have ever asked your guy about,so that you don’t repeat them. So,before you ask for something,simply check ur notepad to see if u mentioned it like 5 minutes ago or 5 hours ago or 5 days ago.
Choose an averageWPD(words per day) limit. I would advise 1000WPD. Stick to this limit of 1000 spoken words per day to your man and you’ll realise that you would use the words more prudently and never repeat ideas,facts or instructions.
Buy a small mirror. Most women don’t know when they start talking,which later develops into nagging. Buying a portable mirror would help the woman check if her mouth is moving,then she can stop talking.Another old effective method is developing the habit of holding your lips. This would enable the woman notice when she is talking,since her hand would would be smacked by the lips.

Anyway, i hope you women get my point. Im not anti- women or anything but we humans should strive for perfection. We must try to be better in all aspects than we were a generation ago.

Because this habit of nagging was unchecked last generation, our generation was plagued with CNN.CNN is the number one Nagging Corporation in the world. They repeat the same news every 5minutes and keep asking more and more witnesses till they drive the world into a frenzy.Not good.

Anyway, CNN is big,CNN get paid for Nagging.However,you women do not get paid.So,please, talk once and wait for results,no repetition,no reminders, no updates.

Thank you ladies.

Music and me

Music. They call it food for the soul ,i agree.
There are some songs that give you the ‘out of body’ experience. They remind you of good times you had, good times you never had. Bad times you had, bad times you never had.

They calmly remind of things that never happened, about books that you never read, about movies that never made u sad.
They remind you of your first love, true love and your lost love.
They remind you of your first time..first time you drove a car,first time you were called an ‘oloshi’ by a passing motorist.
They remind you of the First time you fought for a girl, first time you fought over a girl. First time you got laid,first time you got stood up. First time you fell in luv, first time you fell out of luv. First time you cried for no good reason, first time you faked a good cry. First time you believed in something the English man doesn’t av a word for.
Good Music reminds you of your favourite perfume, favourite color, favourite aunt, favourite food,favourite girl,family.

Good music helps defines ur dreams…gives ur dream car a name,ur dream house a location, ur dream wife a name,ur dream bank account balance more zeroes. It gives your dreams color, form, hue, structure, texture and swagger.
Good music make obstacles less gigantic,options more viable,dragons more pink and your family nicer.
Good music gives you that complacent feeling you get on a Saturday evening when you are in a clean toilet at home ,with a good novel,and expecting no guests..and your phone battery is out.
Some songs are so soothing that you wonder why the pharmaceutical firms haven’t sealed the song in a tablet

For me,good music is anything from coldplay,rex Lawson,Osita Osadebe,The fray,Corrine bailey rae,U2,The cranberries,Six Pence none the richer,The weepies,aqualung,anything dat has Cobhams as the producer…all men of timbre and calibre and plywood.

As I type,Good music is ‘Clocks’ from coldplay.A timeless masterpiece.A song of immeasurable proportions,undiscovered soul lifting -muscle kneading-erection bestowing masterpiece.
Every verse in the song bestows little potions of self satisfaction,contentment,unhindered soul-twisting and winks from God.
In an ideal situation,after delivering that track,all the group member should av been struck by a huge falling chunk of the moon,right there at the studio.
It’s like the track released a lost culture,knowledge,sensation and bliss.

Yeah let’s give a toast,a toast to good music.We obviously don’t have wine glasses in our hand,let’s just nod.A nod to good music.
….lights go out and it cant be saved,tides that i try to swim against….

10 years ago

Really, what can you ever be sure of?

If there’s anything I’ve surely learnt within the last 10 years,it’s that you can not be sure of anything.

The friends,the dreams,the convictions,the values,the methods,the people,the world,the religion,the affiliations,the ambitions,the chicks,they all change with time.

I know 50 times more people than I knew 10 years ago. However, I don’t know where 50% of the people I knew 10 years ago are. Out of the 50% whose location I know, I don’t really care about where 50% percent of them are.Out of the 50% I care about,50% of them are linked via facebook and Blackberry.

Statistically,my world now involves only 10 percent of people I knew 10 years ago.

And to think that my world 10 years ago revolved around people who I only care about 10 percent of them now, makes me feel like I could have saved some time just ignoring 9 out of every 10 people I met then.

I once dreamt of being a Mechanical engineer because my physics teacher in secondary school advised me that his elder brother was a mechanical engineer .So,like 10 years ago,I applied for mechanical engineering at University of Lagos.I got Surveying and geoinformatics engineering instead. I took it,intending to change the course in my year 2.

After 1 month in Surveying and geoinformatics,I went to the notice board of Mechanical Engineering.I saw their last semesters results.I noticed that there were a lot of females in the class,because there were a lot of ‘F’s in front of the matric numbers. Also, I noticed that there was another looong list that had matric numbers and the compliment ‘CNG’ in front of them, meaning Congratulations. As I was daydreaming about being in Yr 2 Mech Eng,I heard a guy sobbing behind me. I asked why,he then explained that ‘F’ meant fail and ‘CNG’ meant ‘CAN NOT GRADUATE’.

I instantly decided never to cross to mechical engineering.So,I spent 6 yrs(5 yrs plus strike) in Surveying and Geoinformatics department. After I graduated,I ventured into Asset Leasing and Financial Advisory.

Oh, and last year, I met my Physics teacher who informed me that his elder brother later diversified into textile importing.

And to think 10 years ago, my world revolved around being an engineer.

If only I had known, I would have spent 4 years studying banking and finance.

In my yr 1 in Unilag,I believed that wearing Jeans and t shirts made me look juvenile, so I stuck with ‘Chinos’ and St’ Michaels office shirts. In my yr 2,I discovered Jeans and Tshirts were comfortable, so I stuck with Jeans. Yr 3, anything wearable was good. Yr 4,back to Chinos and now TM shirts, but I had decided to fold the Chinos to give a ¾ length. The ¾ appealed to all my senses, my senses only. Yr 5, I discovered that anything that was clean and covered my body, was good. After school, suits, shirts and ties. And now ,I believe ,suits are sooo expensive, shirts are soo too tight and ties are just too noticeable to be worn more than once a month. I soo wish I could go to work wearing just boxers or briefs.

And to think 10 years ago, I thought I had an opinion about how I should dress.

If only I had known, I wouldn’t have bothered attending University, I would have attended ‘Miami school of surfers’ and become a world famous surfer wearing just boxers and NO SHIRT around.

10 years ago,I strongly believed ‘Neither a lender nor borrower be!’. That is,don’t borrow,don’t lend and you would live well.

Now,I borrow out money, I receive deposits and facilities(lending) and I live well.

If only I had known then,I would have saved my eye lashes the stress and not bothered giving the bankers the ‘go to hell’ fluttering-eye look.

10 years ago,I dreamt of owning an audi TT and a BEAST. Now, I believe my wife should rather drive an ‘Aston martin DB9’ and ‘a RANGE’ while I should drive a modest Toyota or Honda.

10 years ago,I believed religion was just a norm,a tradition.I believed religion was just an avenue for people to believe that ‘what goes around….can be stopped by Christ’. So, people do evil and meet Christ just before it catches up with them and POOF!…evil disappears. Now,I believe if you are not religious ,you are not smart enough yet, u go soon jam!

10 years ago,I had a cathedral sized crush on ma neighbourly cute Kemi Yusuf.I knew her name and she knew ma name. Now,I don’t even know where she is.Then,all girls that had a crush on me were ‘investigated’ and ‘prosecuted’ to the full extent of my pervertedness.

Now,I have a crush on Tyra Banks, Gabrielle Union, Kelly Clarkson. I know their names, they don’t know my name.They are not even sure if my country Nigeria, is a country..or if Nigeria is a town like Smallville or Metropolis. And all girls that have a crush on me, have a crush on me, simple .No investigation, no prosecution.

10 years ago,I dreamt of having a large wedding. The venue was either to be at the national stadium or at Tafawa Balewa Square. The wedding cake was supposed to be so large that it could be seen from mars. My bestman ,my Brother,Gbenga. My bride….actually, the bride of my dreams changed every 14 seconds. Though the bride changed, her bridal gown never changed. She wore a lovely white strapless gown. I wore a coffee brown suit,mint green shirt ,yellow tie and black shoes.The guests at the wedding were entertained by ABBA,JOE and Awilo Logomba. I was surrounded by everyone I have ever known.Guest List- 50,000.

Now,I want a small wedding,preferable on a Thursday.The venue should be at a sea-side garden.Just very close family members,very very very close friends.The bride is now faceless,just that she is a Nigerian.She wears a cute gown,not necessarily peackcock tail long.I wear a white suit,silver shirt and white bow tie,silver shoes.My bestman would be a my bestfriend,a lady; Idowu.The guests would be entertained by the DJ. Guest List 150.(including Drivers and caterers)

I could go on and on and on and on about my 10 year old dreams and today dreams. It could almost be said that dreaming 10 years ago was a waste of time. Everything is just not the way I dreamt.

Just 3 things are consistent .

I dreamt then, that ill still b dreaming now. And I am.

I dreamt then, that ill always see the happier side of everything. And I still do.

I dreamt then, that ill always do only what makes me sleep well in any situation. And I still do only what makes me sleep well.

In all, they say..the present is the future of the past and also the past of the future. It’s all so complicated and confusing. The past is almost sweet, depressing and nostalgic. The future is just today’s dreams which would change tomorrow, way too unstable.

I think ill rather just live in the present. It’s simpler.



Fast forward into the past

Imagine if I somehow discovered that I could go into the past,using my grandfather’s magic calculator which i discovered in the attic.

I will soo change the past. At first ,i’ll have fun.

I’ll attend a shango festival in the 1300s. Just as your ancestors are about worshipping shango and shouting praises about him controlling lightning, I’ll bring out my taser and tase the Shango Priest in front of everyone. They’ll make me a god and start worshipping me. I’ll enjoy it for a few weeks till the new priest decides to offer a sacrifice to me by killing his two sons,my neighbour’s albino child and a set of twins( probably P square’s first ancestors), then,i’ll shout ‘wayray ma ni bobo yii sha’…and i’ll grab my grandfather’s calculator and return to 2014.

Then,i’ll go forward to Septmeber 2014, and go to Maiduguri to grab a gatlin gun just dropped by a boko haram member just as he was shot in the ass by a sergeant in the army called Sergeant Fani-Kayode. I’ll then go into the 1100s to join the Oyo empire wars n all with my gatlin gun. I’ll join he war and kill 4,000 russian invaders who want to take over the Oyo empire. The Oyo people will quickly depose their king and make me king because of my magic killing machine. Then the Oyo people will give me 27 wives ,a heavy crown and some 118 wise virgins whose only jobs will be to be sucking my toes everyday and saying ‘ You royal toes are clean your highness’. They’ll clean other places too. I’ll rule for 1 week 3days, till the Chinese come to invade Oyo empire and my subjects will not bother even carrying jazz to the warfront. All the Oyo warlords will simply go to the warfront with popcorn and cokes,hoping that i’ll show up with my magic killing weapon to kill the 80,000 chinese invaders. Then,ill realise I have just 6 bullets left in the gatling gun. And then,i’ll shout ‘Awon Alakoba oshi’…and i’ll return to 2014 just after my index finger has been cleaned by one of the royal cleaners.

Then,i’ll buy a torchilight and go to the 1100s in England,just after the eclipse took place and people were wary of darkness and light. I’ll go to the king Edward or whatever the king’s name is and start flashing the torchlight at the palace from afar. The king’s blonde concubine, Lady Sparklefinish will notice the light from the torch. She’ll then get curious and come outside the palace to seek the source of the light. She’ll then start chanting , I give you my all, o ye man of light. Just as I’m about to shout ‘ O ye Lady Sparklefinish, come ye here buttnaked’….I’ll feel a vibration in my pocket. My phone is ringing, it’s my wife on the line. She’ll say ‘Baby, r u alright…wait,why is there a woman shouting ‘take me’ in the background of the call?’….I’ll lie and tell her that I’m in church that there’s a lady in the spirit beside me. I’ll then teleport back to our family church to wait for my wife, as I’m sure she’ll suddenly feel the urge to come to church to pray too.

I’ll then later go to the 50s or 60s and teleport right into the driver’s seat of the JFK’s vehicle just before he was shot and tell him. ‘president,don’t be soo surprised,please close your mouth,my grandma will die in 1996…please help me tell her to please find someone to send to give me the recipe of the stockfish stew she used to make on Sunday. Also, please shift your head to the side well well..the blood from your head might stain your wife’s dress,which will make it worth less on e-bay’. Then,i’ll teleport back to 2014.

Then,i’ll go into 1990s and meet with General Abacha and give him my blackberry just 2 minutes after he ate the apple from the prostitutes. I’ll tell him ‘ General,your ass is gonna die in 3 minutes ( the apple kills in 5 minutes),Your son will be prosecuted for the next 40 years, Al Mustapha will be imprisoned and your wife will go underground…General,for your last words,please tell me where you got those your raybans from? Also, do you think a pair of Tom Ford sunshades will fit you?’…and he’ll die. His last words will be ‘The raybans fit..i bought it from Olamide’s grandfather ,Mr Granpamide. Then,ill teleport back into 2014, just as Al Mustapha comes buttnaked saying ‘General, permission to invade one of your prostitutes sir’.

And then, ill go into the mid eighties and I’ll find the mother of the rap crew ‘Skuki’,let’s call her Skuma. I’ll slip a pill into her drinks two days before she conceived the Skuki boys.The pilll will be a contraceptive. The father of Skuki, let’s call him Skudad, will then notice me slipping a pill into his wife ‘or girlfriend’s’ drink…and he’ll think i wanted to spike her drink with ‘Spanish fly’. I’ll then give him my ipod and he’ll listen to what his potential kids will sing in future and he’ll agree with me and go for immediate vasectomy to ensure that he doesnt plague the world with Skuki. While we are interacting at the bar, Old Adolph Hitler will be in the corner listening. He’ll be scared that people will recognise him, since everyone thinks he’s dead. He’ll then decide to do a bad thing to replace the evil i just prevented…and then,he’ll pay the bartendress a lot of money in hitler gold…and she’ll marry him and have a child who’ll later become Terry G.

I’ll then go back into the 1500 when the explorers were busy ‘discovering’ africa. I’ll put a small hole with a diameter of 20metres under their boats to ensure that ‘discovering’ africa is a bit ‘challenging’ for them.

I’ll finish this note later, i dey go work.